13 Things That Have Happened
Who in the heck IS this Murphy guy anyway? I wanna give him a piece of my mind! (And a kick on the seat of the pants. And maybe a baseball bat…)
1. My car died. Got stranded in Minnesota.
2. Got stranded in Minnesota. Winona, to be exact. While it’s a beautiful town, it’s still five hours from my house.
3. Got stranded in Minnesota. And the rental car place in Winona wouldn’t rent me a car one-way to get home, so I had to go NORTH (the opposite direction from home) to get a car at the Minneapolis airport, so I could drive SOUTH (the opposite direction from the airport) to go home.
4. My car died. In Minnesota. I got back to Chicago with a rented car. But MY car was still IN MINNESOTA. (Astute readers will begin to sense a theme here…)
5. The Bluebook on the car was $2,000. Repair costs STARTED at $1,000. I blew the head gasket, see. Going 75 mph on the open highway in the middle of a cornfield, IN MINNESOTA. (Fixated? Me?) Winona, while beautiful, is five hours from my house. Which is TOO FAR TO WALK. Ergo…
6. The mechanic offered to purchase my car. My boss, a financial planner, blew HIS head gasket at THAT suggestion, and told me that I should donate the car. The deduction, under U.S. Income Tax law, is good for up to five years, by which time we will have purchased our first home and could actually USE the deduction.
7. We managed to donate the car. In Winona. The internet is a beautiful thing.
8. I started MBA courses at Argosy University the same week I got stranded in Minnesota. I love stress.
9. The three classes I’m teaching, two on Artist’s Way related material and one on fiction writing, got behind while I was having my car drama. Two of these classes concluded last week. The fiction class is like a run-on sentence. (It’s a demo. So sue me.)
10. Michael (my husband, remember him?) had surgery on a deviated septum two weeks after I got back. BEFORE we were able to purchase the new car.
11. I got stranded by a cab driver! (GAH!) Actually, to be fair, I didn’t get stranded. But the idjit couldna get his credit card thingie to work. So he had to take me to the bank to get cash – while my drugged up husband wandered into our house by himself! I love stress.
12. I took the week of Michael’s surgery off, intending to clean my house from front to back, top to bottom. I love stress so much, that I slept most of that week. During the DAY. Because I was too stressed to sleep at night. My house is now in WORSE shape than it was BEFORE I took the week off. How the heck does THAT work? (If you know, this is a rhetorical question. Do not attempt to answer this question. In the event that you feel you must answer this question, stab yourself repeatedly in the left eye with a pencil until the urge passes. That’s it. Just like that.)
13. Where was I? … Actually, that’s not a bad question. Where WAS I? (If you say Winona, I’m so going to climb through the intertubes and kill you it isn’t funny.) (No really. It isn’t funny.)
If the foregoing was funny to you in any way, shape or form, you are a sick puppy. Please seek professional help immediately. Me? I’m going into a convent.
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