So. I admit it. Our coffee maker at work died, and I’m caffeineless. For the second.day.in.a.row. A caffeineless Noony is not a happy thing. So, I figured I’d share. Don’t say I never gave ya nuthin’.
1. Paper cuts. Something about the winter air makes my skin dry, and I have been getting little nicks and slices every time I go in my briefcase for a file. And manila folders HURT. Maybe it’s a sign that I should not do my homework?
2. Weirdos on the train. I mean, I’m sure there’s a cultural awareness group for Weirdos, but really, who wants to join? Weirdos! This guy on the train today had these big silver dishes on the side of his head (okay, they were SOLD as earphone, but they looked like freakin’ plates, people!!). I looked up and he met my eyes and gave me this big grin – the kind of grin you don’t give strangers. I mean, hello??? We’re on a train, dude. Keep it down.
3. People with too much crap that they take up more than one seat. You know who you are. SCOOT OVER!
4. CELL YELL!!! Need I say more?
5. Small, yappy dogs. Dude. If you wanted a cat, get a cat. You don’t want to walk the damn thing anyway, so what’s the point? Annoying the neighbors? Well, you’re doing GREAT! “But terriers bark, that’s what they do!” Yeah? That’s what Draino is for!
No, I’m not THAT mean, I just haven’t had coffee. I’m not going to feed Draino to Muffy.
I sure might be tempted, though.
6. CELL YELL!!! Oh, wait. Said that one already.
7. Parking spaces that aren’t. (You suburbanites probably won’t get this, but that’s because you’re the ones DOING it in the first place.) You know, when you come home at oh-dark-thirty because class ran late and you just want to go to bed and there it is: Tah-dah! A spot, in front of your house.
It’s a spot, all right. Just won’t fit your car. The spot that will?
Yeah, that’s four blocks away.
8. Female gingko trees.
9. …
Okay, I’ll explain. Female gingko trees STINK. Somewhere between bar puke and dog shit. I’m not kidding you. Apparently, the male gingko trees don’t, since we’ve got one not four trees from our house and it smells just fine, thanks. No, this one’s a doosy, and it’s been stinking up the neighborhood for about two weeks now. It will go away, and has been fading. But dude, firewood mean anything to you?
9. People who complain about the broken coffee maker. Yes, I know it’s broken. I’m the one that put the frackin’ sign on it! Didn’t I order a new one? Didn’t I send an email about the new one? Do I LOOK like I want to discuss the finer points of coffee service and what we didn’t get but should have? I HAVEN’T HAD ANY COFFEE EITHER THIS MORNING, DO YOU REALLY WANT TO START SHIT WITH ME?
10. Broken coffee makers. See #9.
11. New biz-speak. Dude, seriously. The language is English. We have enough people in the cultural salad bowl adding words to the piquant dish that is our tongue. WE DO NOT NEED FAKE ONES! This was on my business school required reading panel for Module One: “Most educationists consider learning by doing to be the most effective learning methodology.”
Educationists???
The word, people, is “educators.” ~headdesk~
12. MAN, do I need coffee.
No, that wasn’t number 12. THIS is number twelve: PEOPLE THAT BUG ME ABOUT MY LIST! I’m writin’ it, I get to say it how I want. Type it. WHATEVER.
13. Bicycle messengers. No, really. If you don’t live in an urban environment, you probably think, oh, cool, they’re keeping down pollution and staying healthy. Yeah. Don’t you believe it. Those people are VULTURES. Worse. Ninjas with wheels. They have NO regard for pedestrians or traffic laws and are dangerous, the lot of ‘em. I once had one whiz in front of me, jump the curb, narrowly miss the woman standing near me, and careened into a planter. I’ve had them hit my car as they drive by, ignore red lights, and cause accidents. GAH!
~shudder~ There. I feel better.
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